When it rains...it poors

So, I sit here wondering what I did in life that was so bad? I just got off the phone with my friend who I've known for 10+ yrs telling me basically I suck as a friend because I don't spill my guts out to her anymore. Well lets see the last time I did that 2 yrs ago we had this big falling out and I don't trust that she can not judge my life. Honestly, I thought we were passed the whole thing. For GOD sake it's been 2 yrs. Anyway, she tells me that she needs to step away b/c I'm not being a good friend. I don't talk to her, blah blah blah. Geez, i have two kids and my marriage is falling apart, sorry for not having you at the top of my list. Anyway this is after DH tells me that he thinks that we're not doing good and should probably separate(which I agree) but neither one of us have a place to go. He has a lot to make up to us and he hopes one day I can look at him like I use too. I agreed with him that I don't look at him the way I use to. We tired to "start over" but it was a dream world. Why did I think I could just forgive all that has been done. It doesn't work that way, life doesn't work that way. Now here we are, two kids and not sure what to do. We don't want to divorce but how do you fix it? We have no direction, no help, no nothing. I'm so lost. I'm so sad and the only think that makes me happy is the two little boys i only see for maybe 1.5 hrs a day.

Is it bad to say that life sucks? I know it could be worse, I know people have things worse off then I do. Really I do but for me and my life, It sucks. It's not like I don't have enough going on that I need her(the friend) to call me with this stuff. Have you ever thought that maybe I wasn't ready to talk, ready to admit that my marriage is in shambles? No, it's always about her, always has been always will be.

DH text me this morning saying how sorry he was for the position he has put us in and where our marriage is and I have nothing to say to him. Not a word. I'm tired, so tired that I almost don't care anymore. Walk away from, it would be easier then me having to make the decision. I hate having to make a decision like that when he's the one that got us here. Yes I was part of it but come on, I've had the job, I kept my part. He didn't. I've lost everything because of him. EVERYTHING!!!!!!
How can I make this work when I have so much pent up feelings about it all? Both he and her are so much alike it's scary. I need to go away with my kids. I want to disappear. A new beginning, a new meaning, a new life with my kids.

Oh and lets not forget the fact that I can't pay our bills and DH wants to go back to work and put the kids back in daycare. Yeah, like we can afford that!

So much anger, so much sadness.
Thanks for letting me vent, even though it might not make any sense.