Why when your a kid does being a grown-up...

Seem so cool? I mean I remember want to be a grown up because I could do what I wanted... that's not the reality. I mean I guess I could if I didn't care about my kids, family, job but I do so I can't just do anything I want. Life has a funny way of playing tricks on you.

I haven't been able to write for awhile b/c so much has been going on I haven't had the time or break too. My life at the moment is not too good. We have to move from our house b/c it sold and they need to do some work on it before it closes so my mom tells us we need to move, ok we thought we'd have a little more time then a week to find a place to live.

Lets see, we had this big family fight with my moms husband and now have decided we want nothing to do with him ever again. In a matter of a week he's hit my mom(I'm sure not the first time) he's called the cops on DH and he's belittle me. SO needless to say he's out and know I'm having to deal with my mom and get her to understand why a man like that will never be around my family again. What she chooses to do with him is her choice I can't change her. I wish with everything I have in me I could but I can't and now that I'm old enough to understand all this and do something about it, I'm scared that I will lose my mom. This isn't the first time shes been hit. When I was 4 her boyfriend beat her so bad he put her in the hospital. I will not let a man like that around my kids. He's grabbed me once and I didn't talk to them for a year. Now a little back story is that my mom and are so close(or use to be) before this man came into the picture. I could say so much but it doesn't change the anything. In the end something will be lost and I'm sure it will be the relationship with my mom. :(

Now, Dh and I have put us on hold for a while until the other gets all figured out. Which sucks because we still have no idea what to do with us and don't have the time at the moment to figure it out. I hate that my life has come to this. I love my kids but hate my life. I look at my ex(who happens to be my bffs brother) and he ended up marrying the chick he cheated on me with(that's a whole other story) we're ok now but I see them and there goin on 5 yrs tomorrow. They have a, I guess good marriage. Not that they would tell me otherwise but it angers me that they both work, have a great place to live, new cars and are just plan happy. Why can't my life be that way? Why can't my kids have a great place to live? I don't know if it's jealousy that I feel, I'm sure it is. I hate that I feel that way. I don't want him by any means I was that life. This is where the problems come in for DH and I, it is because of the lack of work from this man that in the situation I'm in. I am to blame too but I will only take blame for what I allowed not for what he lacked. I look at him and don't feel what I once felt. I know it could come back(I'd like to hope) and do I love him...Yes... do i trust him... well no. Not for cheating purposes but for security. I don't know what my exes life behind closed doors is really like and it could be bad but it sure doesn't seem that way.

On to my kids, I feel like the worse mom in the world. I feel like I get no time with them. By the time I get home it's almost there bed time. I hardly get to play or cuddle with Jordan and Dylan we get to play but not as much as I'd like. The weekends are great but they go by so fast. I miss spending time with my boys. I miss my boys. I want nothing more then to be with them. Yes, I need a break but from life, not really them. I work 40wk and take care of them when I get home, clean the house, take a shower and by that time it's 10pm and I need to get to bed. So I get maybe an hour with my kids in the morning and night. 2 hrs in a day? That's just not right.

Jordan, I feel so bad for this lil boy. I feel like he's getting the short end of the stick every time. He doesn't get held as much as Dylan did, I didn't get to stay home with him as much as I did with Dylan. He's a happy baby so I know he's ok, but I'm not. I feel guilty inside, sad and depressed. And with everything else that 's going on in my life I'm depressed by that. My milk is suffering from it. I not producing as much as I'd like, so here he's getting the short end again. I'm just a bad mom. I can't provide for my kids, I can't spend time with them, I just suck. I know a pity party for 1.

Well all I really want to do is curl up under a desk and leave the "real world" behind but that's not life and it's not my life, so back to work I go.

Oh yeah and to top it off, yesterday while on my way home I saw 3 girls(prob 20's) looking at a LV bag, saying how she hated the one she just bought because it was too thin?! What if that's the worst of your problems... please!!! SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!