Just when one things starting going right...

something else falls... It's been awhile since I have been able to write on here :( but I have some stuff on my mind that I need to get off.
I have been friends is this person, lets call her C for 10.5 yrs, we've had our ups and downs it's been more like a twisted relationship then a friends ship but anyway, she had 2 boys who are my nephews and are as important to me as my own kids. I have been there through every thing and even help if not raised them the first few years of their lives. I have a very special bond with the oldest and a different bond with the youngest. It a very cool mixture. I use to date her brother some years back (in between DH and I not being together) and in the end of that relationship he ended up cheating on me with a girl who ended up becoming his wife. I know! Anyways, it took me a long time to adjust to this because I was always around I would have to adjust at some point, I wasn't going anywhere and obviously neither was she. There's my problem over the year he has become close with my nephews and it kills me inside, now they do not have kids at the moment so they are able to do a lot more things then I am b/c I have kids. Now that I have moved to WA (for the moment) and they moved literally 1 min away from my friends house she gets to see them all the time... I mean she puts them up on her Facebook account and says things like "my favorite boys" or crap like that. The other part that I hate it that I would never show my nephews that i didn't like her or anything like that but it still kills me inside when I see them together. They are innocent but when they hug her or see take pictures with her it just kills me inside. I went from being so involved in everything with them and the family to becoming in outsider. :( Oh my heart aches. So now I have to figure out how to adjust myself to this new way... oh how I wish I didn't.

Why when your a kid does being a grown-up...

Seem so cool? I mean I remember want to be a grown up because I could do what I wanted... that's not the reality. I mean I guess I could if I didn't care about my kids, family, job but I do so I can't just do anything I want. Life has a funny way of playing tricks on you.

I haven't been able to write for awhile b/c so much has been going on I haven't had the time or break too. My life at the moment is not too good. We have to move from our house b/c it sold and they need to do some work on it before it closes so my mom tells us we need to move, ok we thought we'd have a little more time then a week to find a place to live.

Lets see, we had this big family fight with my moms husband and now have decided we want nothing to do with him ever again. In a matter of a week he's hit my mom(I'm sure not the first time) he's called the cops on DH and he's belittle me. SO needless to say he's out and know I'm having to deal with my mom and get her to understand why a man like that will never be around my family again. What she chooses to do with him is her choice I can't change her. I wish with everything I have in me I could but I can't and now that I'm old enough to understand all this and do something about it, I'm scared that I will lose my mom. This isn't the first time shes been hit. When I was 4 her boyfriend beat her so bad he put her in the hospital. I will not let a man like that around my kids. He's grabbed me once and I didn't talk to them for a year. Now a little back story is that my mom and are so close(or use to be) before this man came into the picture. I could say so much but it doesn't change the anything. In the end something will be lost and I'm sure it will be the relationship with my mom. :(

Now, Dh and I have put us on hold for a while until the other gets all figured out. Which sucks because we still have no idea what to do with us and don't have the time at the moment to figure it out. I hate that my life has come to this. I love my kids but hate my life. I look at my ex(who happens to be my bffs brother) and he ended up marrying the chick he cheated on me with(that's a whole other story) we're ok now but I see them and there goin on 5 yrs tomorrow. They have a, I guess good marriage. Not that they would tell me otherwise but it angers me that they both work, have a great place to live, new cars and are just plan happy. Why can't my life be that way? Why can't my kids have a great place to live? I don't know if it's jealousy that I feel, I'm sure it is. I hate that I feel that way. I don't want him by any means I was that life. This is where the problems come in for DH and I, it is because of the lack of work from this man that in the situation I'm in. I am to blame too but I will only take blame for what I allowed not for what he lacked. I look at him and don't feel what I once felt. I know it could come back(I'd like to hope) and do I love him...Yes... do i trust him... well no. Not for cheating purposes but for security. I don't know what my exes life behind closed doors is really like and it could be bad but it sure doesn't seem that way.

On to my kids, I feel like the worse mom in the world. I feel like I get no time with them. By the time I get home it's almost there bed time. I hardly get to play or cuddle with Jordan and Dylan we get to play but not as much as I'd like. The weekends are great but they go by so fast. I miss spending time with my boys. I miss my boys. I want nothing more then to be with them. Yes, I need a break but from life, not really them. I work 40wk and take care of them when I get home, clean the house, take a shower and by that time it's 10pm and I need to get to bed. So I get maybe an hour with my kids in the morning and night. 2 hrs in a day? That's just not right.

Jordan, I feel so bad for this lil boy. I feel like he's getting the short end of the stick every time. He doesn't get held as much as Dylan did, I didn't get to stay home with him as much as I did with Dylan. He's a happy baby so I know he's ok, but I'm not. I feel guilty inside, sad and depressed. And with everything else that 's going on in my life I'm depressed by that. My milk is suffering from it. I not producing as much as I'd like, so here he's getting the short end again. I'm just a bad mom. I can't provide for my kids, I can't spend time with them, I just suck. I know a pity party for 1.

Well all I really want to do is curl up under a desk and leave the "real world" behind but that's not life and it's not my life, so back to work I go.

Oh yeah and to top it off, yesterday while on my way home I saw 3 girls(prob 20's) looking at a LV bag, saying how she hated the one she just bought because it was too thin?! What if that's the worst of your problems... please!!! SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart is breaking all over again

This morning DH tells me that he doesn't think that we can make this work and should still separate. This(surprisingly) caught me off guard. Last night wasn't our finest moment but I was over it. I guess he wasn't. A little back ground for ya:
Since Sunday when we decided to give it another try we've had sex 2 out of 3 days. Not bad right? Apparently it is. I'm thinking to myself, listen buddy, your lucky to even get this. I don't get "mine" anymore because of all that has happen. Most the time I don't even want to but I do for him. Anyway last night he's like the kitchen isn't going to clean it's self? Hello, your home that's part of your job. Now I don't mind cleaning the kitchen after dinner, but when you purposely leave your dishes from the day so I'll do it, that kinda sucks. Anyways, I told him I'd do it after my shower. Then for the rest of the night we just bicker back and forth. The slitest thing sets me off, him too. I told him to go find a job b/c his mood sucks. He loves his kids but hate being a stay at home dad. Well if you'd had a job this would of happen. Again, i say something to that affect. Not nice of me but true. So again we go back and forth. He tells me I'm throwing my weight around(b/c I work) and I need to stop. I tell him, no your just insecure and you think I am. So we go to bed mad(which I hate) and I wake up this morning just like it's any other day. He's still mad and we have another tiff. He drops me off at work and heads back home with the kids. I get a text later(around 9am) and that's when he tells me what he tells me.

My moms house is selling so we have to find a place to live. So what we're going to find different places to live? Our kids are going to be jumping back and forth? I hate him for this. I hate him for make our lives like his because he couldn't hold a job. He's right, i have way too much anger and resentment towards him. I mean look what I just wrote. "I hate him" who says that about their husband?
What am I going to do? I feel like a failure... I'm at work and all I want to do is cry and hold my kids. Instead I'm stuck here with 12 woman.

A weekend away is just want the doctor ordered...

So we(the boys and I) went to my moms for the weekend. A much needed break from DH. We fought all the way up to when I left and even while I was driving down to my moms. We didn't talk much except to let him know how the boys were doing each day. I needed this break so bad. I needed time away to think, to clear my head. It was worth it. Really it was. I didn't spend much time with my mom or my brother which was ok. It was mostly the boys and myself. I took Dylan and Jordan to a little fountain in downtown Corvallis. There were about 10 kids playing and Dylan had a great time. I love Corvallis because it's a small town. It take maybe 10 min to get from one end of the town to the other. Portland is so big that it just a great break from the "big city".
I did a lot of thinking while i was down there with what DH and I are going through. I decided that I didn't want to separate. I wasn't ready for that. For it to end. I know me and if I did this.. .it would be over. I tend to shut down and move on without a second thought. I have two babies and I'm not only thinking of myself but them too. So here it is:
I told him last night that I didn't want to separate BUT we needed to talk with someone. There was really no choice. This is what we have to do to make it. It's been 14 yrs and I'm not ready to walk away without exhausting all options. He agreed. He's open to talking with someone too. He'll do anything at this point to not loose me or the kids. It's going to be hard because we have to be honest. Honest hurts when your in this type of situation, but I'm will and open as his he. I want to fall in love with him again. I want to be happy with him again. I want our family together BUT I do not want this life that we have now and I told him that. If things do not change it WILL be over.
So here we are. I'm looking for someone today and hoping to start this weekend or the next. I'm almost craving it. Does that make sense? ok, I'll write again later. Gotta get back to work. I really need Internet at home!

Seriously???

I tell my mom this morning that DH and I are probably going to separate and she say "then you get the car" What?! that's what you have to say after I tell you my marriage isn't working? I can't even wrap my head around that. What was she thinking? It's not like this is an easy thing for us. We have to be strong because of our kids but common?! It's not easy. It sucks. I told her "well who ever has the kids will have the car" Gosh, why can't you just say,"I'm sorry honey, if there's anything you need I'm here for you." My "old" mom would have said that. Not this woman that married the man she did. She changed after marrying him. It's not the same woman I grew up with. I know you change but this is someone different. Sometimes I wonder if she's truly happy with who she became? I am not happy with the person I became after I got married. I changed and not for the better. I want to be better for myself and my boys. I want DH and I to better each other instead of where we're headed. So many hopes...

Another sad day in the life of...

Jessie S. Today DH and I decided to separate. It's the only thing we can do at the moment to save our marriage. We'll go to counseling in time but right now we just don't get along. It's more me then him. I have too much back anger and resentment towards him. You know ever since I took his last name I have had only two good days. The days my sons were born. Even though those days were painful, they still were the best days ever. I'm so tired of being sad and depressed. I don't want my boys to think this is how marriage or love is suppose to be. I boys will NOT turn out like their dad. They will always have a job and know what responsibility is. They will be loving men. Family men. Whether is with there wife and/or children. They will be nothing like there dad is to me. He's is a good father. Really he is. He just sucks at being a good husband. I know he loves me. I don't question that. He just doesn't understand what being a family man is. Job stability is super important.

I sit here wondering if this is really going to work? My good friend is filing for divorce after separating with her husband(thinking they would work it out) and get back together. No suck luck for her. I feel sad for her because I know she wanted to. Badly.

Love has never been our problem, but there always has been something. I truly hope that we can work through this. I do. I want my family has a whole. So far I am the only one in my family that hasn't divorced. How sad is that?

Ok i guess i should get back to work.

When it rains...it poors

So, I sit here wondering what I did in life that was so bad? I just got off the phone with my friend who I've known for 10+ yrs telling me basically I suck as a friend because I don't spill my guts out to her anymore. Well lets see the last time I did that 2 yrs ago we had this big falling out and I don't trust that she can not judge my life. Honestly, I thought we were passed the whole thing. For GOD sake it's been 2 yrs. Anyway, she tells me that she needs to step away b/c I'm not being a good friend. I don't talk to her, blah blah blah. Geez, i have two kids and my marriage is falling apart, sorry for not having you at the top of my list. Anyway this is after DH tells me that he thinks that we're not doing good and should probably separate(which I agree) but neither one of us have a place to go. He has a lot to make up to us and he hopes one day I can look at him like I use too. I agreed with him that I don't look at him the way I use to. We tired to "start over" but it was a dream world. Why did I think I could just forgive all that has been done. It doesn't work that way, life doesn't work that way. Now here we are, two kids and not sure what to do. We don't want to divorce but how do you fix it? We have no direction, no help, no nothing. I'm so lost. I'm so sad and the only think that makes me happy is the two little boys i only see for maybe 1.5 hrs a day.

Is it bad to say that life sucks? I know it could be worse, I know people have things worse off then I do. Really I do but for me and my life, It sucks. It's not like I don't have enough going on that I need her(the friend) to call me with this stuff. Have you ever thought that maybe I wasn't ready to talk, ready to admit that my marriage is in shambles? No, it's always about her, always has been always will be.

DH text me this morning saying how sorry he was for the position he has put us in and where our marriage is and I have nothing to say to him. Not a word. I'm tired, so tired that I almost don't care anymore. Walk away from, it would be easier then me having to make the decision. I hate having to make a decision like that when he's the one that got us here. Yes I was part of it but come on, I've had the job, I kept my part. He didn't. I've lost everything because of him. EVERYTHING!!!!!!
How can I make this work when I have so much pent up feelings about it all? Both he and her are so much alike it's scary. I need to go away with my kids. I want to disappear. A new beginning, a new meaning, a new life with my kids.

Oh and lets not forget the fact that I can't pay our bills and DH wants to go back to work and put the kids back in daycare. Yeah, like we can afford that!

So much anger, so much sadness.
Thanks for letting me vent, even though it might not make any sense.

Which way to go?

So it's been a few days since I have written and I hate that. I got so much enjoyment out of it, I wish I could do it more. This is really the only thing that is mine.

The 4th weekend is coming. No real plans going on. My BIL is throwing a party but he's 20, young and stupid so you figure it out. I'm just tired! I want to sleep but with two babies that's just not possible. I LOVE being a mom, I really do. I just want a day of sleep. No responseablity of life, kids, bills I can't pay. A day of nothing. That would be amazing. Could you imagine?



So, things between Dh and I are ok at the moment. We're suppose to be "starting over" working on building a better foundation sense our last one went to crap. It's a very hard thing and I'm the one that has to do most of the changing. I have to remove the anger and resentment for where our lifes are right now. For all of his short comings. It's a very hard thing to do. There's 3 yrs worth in me. You can't just write them away. I need to do something. I mean last week we were talking about seperating but neither of us had a place to go. So now we have trying this. Will it work? do i want it to work? Most of me says yes I do. The other part says no. I look at my boys, mostly Dylan (sense he's the oldest) and how much he loves his daddy. He's a great dad. I could't imagain having to no have him around for Dylan. It would crush him. Dylan loves his daddy so much. I am going to give this my best shot, I hope anyway. We've been together for so long and have been through so much that I don't understand why it's so hard for us. It's really all about the money and the lack of him understand life as a family.



Anyway, I gotta run back to work I go.

Who is the real me?

It's a question I often ask myself. I'm not really sure anymore. So many time we change who we are for one reason or another. There are a choice few who keep who they are and most people think that they are "asses" or "bitches", but are they really? I sometimes envy the people who keep there ground, other times I don't. I am hopping by having this blog, I can once again figure it out, who I am. I have an outlet now, something to get my feelings out without feeling like I'm going to be judged or made fun of. A place all of my own, lord knows I don't remember the last time I had something of my own or even thought of myself first. Being mom and wife will do that to you, unless your like some who do the opposite. I know a few people like that. Do you? I'm working know so I can't write much but this came a lot easier to me then I thought it would. I wasn't expecting to be able to sit here and just have it come out of me but here I am not even thinking about what I'm writing, I'm just writing. I haven't felt this free in so long. I don't want to stop but I have too. Work is surrounding me, I can't ignore it any longer. Until the next time!